It Sucks to be Me
by Raccoons and Pandas
Summary: Scar has Ed at his mercy and gives Ed a chance to say his last words. He didn't count on Ed to begin a show stopping parody of Avenue Q. With solos by some popular characters, a bonus parody song & guest appearance by Gary Coleman. rated for language.


**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, Avenue Q or even Gary Coleman.**

**A/N: kind of ooc, but I think of it as the characters getting a chance to speak out on their positions. anyway you interpret this, enjoy! Panda**

The rain splattered on the broken bits that once made Ed's arm function as a limb. Once acting muscles they were simply bits of metal and gears scattered in the alleyway. The state alchemist killer had blown Al literally open and with out his other hand to clap together Ed was a sitting duck.

"I will give you a moment to pray." Scar conceded.

"Don't believe. Stopped a long time ago." Ed replied coldly, his flesh arm clinging to the stub that once held his mechanical arm.

"Oh?" Scar's eyebrows raised to the corners of his X shaped scar. An upbeat tempo began.

"When I was little I thought I would be..." Ed began but trailed off, either too ashamed to say or too pained to tell. Never the less, Scar was intrigued and pried, "What?"

"A tall robust master of al-chem-e-cy. But now I'm all grown up and as you can see…I'm short. Oh well…It sucks to be me."  
"Nooo." Al attempted to convince his brother.

"It sucks to be me." Ed continued doggedly.  
"No!" Al lobbied, a sob creeping into his voice.  
"It sucks to be short, automail-like" he indicated at his stub of an arm an automail leg, "and being called a bean. It sucks to be me."

"Oh, you think your life sucks?" Dr. Marcoh asked in order to sneak away. It was the perfect opportunity. Nobody would notice the missing Crystal Alchemist in the midst of a verbal argument over who is worse off.

"I think so." Ed replied tersely, Scar's right hand of judgment still planted on his head.

"Your problems aren't so bad!" the Ishbalan scoffed before he broke into song, "I'm kinda sexy. And pretty damn smart."  
"You are." Al agreed kindly from his crumpled position against the wall.

"Thanks!" Scar replied off handedly before continuing, "I like extremist things like killing random folk. And as you know I have a gigantic fanbase…  
So why do I have to die in the anime?  
Fuck! It sucks to be me!"  
"Me too." Ed agreed. "It sucks to be me. It sucks to be me. It sucks to be Edward…"  
"And Scar..." the sexy Ishbalan interjected, "To not have your health!"

"Or jars on a shelf…" Ed trailed off. He stood up and both of them did a small little side step in unison before singing together, "It sucks to be me."

The up beat music continued as Roy and Havoc entered squabbling over the issue of their love lives. It had seemed that Ed and Scar were at an impasse and so the only natural thing to do was ask a third opinion.

"Hey, Colonel Fag, Havoc," Ed called to get the two's attention. "Can you settle something for us?"  
Havoc shrugged nonchalantly but it was Roy who spoke in an easy and alluring voice, "Why not?"  
"Whose life sucks more?" Scar wondered of the two, "The kid's or mine?"

The two paused to think for a moment and after intense consideration before doing a little side step and exclaiming, "Ours!"

Havoc held his index finger up, as if promising an explanation, "He is an officer, and I am just a pawn. He stages me up all day from dusk even to the crack of dawn! So He steals all my booty and I am left all alone. With out anything close to nuzzle… why he gets it all I'm puzzled."

"HA!" Roy barked out a laugh, "You think its so great being Roy Mustang? How would you like being paired with all the males in the gang?! Oh fanfiction! Why must you be so fucking cruel? And hook me up with the shrimp? Make me kiss and make me grope and drool over…" He paused and pointed to Ed before shouting, "THAT?!"  
Ed's face grew as red as his coat and began waving his arms up and down swearing the Colonel out. Everyone ignored the Fullmetal Alchemist and Roy continued, "It sucks to be me!" he held out the last note as Havoc begged to differ.  
"No, it sucks to be me!" Havoc added holding out the last note.  
"It sucks to be me!" Scar piped in employing the same fashion.

Ed took time out of his rant and added in the same fashion, "It sucks to be me!"  
"Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?!" They sang in a layered harmony with their arms spread out as if saying 'Here I am world'. "It sucks to be me!"

The quartet began prancing around Al like a maypole. With their arms held near their faces. As they circled around Al they changed their heights by standing up or scrunching down so that the person in front of Al did not obscure the view of the person in the back. Of course when Ed came to the back, he had to jump to be seen. Al had no clue how he went from the wall to the rosie the four were ringing around singing 'Dadadadaaaa' repeatedly. And to be truthful, it deeply disturbed him.  
And then came a shining beacon of sanity and order: Lt. Riza Hawkeye. "Lieutenant!" Al cried desperately. Riza paused early enough to see the four still skipping around and employing a cheap visual effect. The look on her face seemed certainly confused as she witnessed her superior officer prancing with the man that had killed Basq Gran earlier.  
"Why you all so happy?" She asked cautiously. She had no clue why she was compelled to ask that when so many questions weighed more heavily on her mind.  
"Because our lives suck!" Havoc answered happily as he made a fancy looking turn.

"Please help me." Al begged.  
Hawkeye was silent for a moment, void of words before facing forward and asking, "Your lives suck?" She flipped the bangs behind her ear before singing in a clear soprano voice, "I joined the army for the opportunity to help everyone in humanity. But in the end all I found was blood, death and Roy. So here I am! A loyal subordinate willing to push him to the top! And he repays me with UNDONE. PAPERWORK!" The music stopped as she shot at Roy with each syllable of 'undone paperwork'. Of course, she was aiming for inches away from him but that did not stop the five from looking at her in a mix of fear and awe. "It sucks to be me!" Riza sang brightly, "It sucks to be me! I mean when you gotta-fucking-colonel-who-won't-do-his-work-or-even-fucking-sleep-with-me, " she said the last part as if it was one word before adding in her normal voice and a sidelong glance at Roy, "Even though everybody wants us to… It sucks to be me!"  
The music continued as they heard someone yell in the distance, "I found them, sir! Yo, Führer!"

"I'm comin'! I'm comin'!" came the reply of the overlord as he came closer. Suddenly he popped out from behind the wall on a fire escape. He held his hands in folded on the hilt of his sword. His vivid unpatched eye was closed as he smiled giving him a deceptively cheerful look.  
"Oh my God!" Ed cried in horror, "It's the Führer!"  
"Yes I am!" he confirmed brightly, jabbing his thumb at his chest before singing as he descended the fire escape, "I am King Bradley, also known as Wrath. Panda goes by the manga cause the manga kicks-es ass! And now I'm really pissed cause Scar can't you see that killing these two alchemists will cut into the plan of creating a gigantic alchemy circle of death! It sucks to-"

"Wha' chu talkin' 'bout, Führer?" a voice demanded as Gary Coleman popped out from behind a crate where his presence was well hidden from the others.

"He's shorter than me!!" Ed yelled triumphantly as Gary Coleman marched up the fire escape with his lip stuck out and his hands on his hips to confront the Führer.

"I was scheduled to sing in this fic." He told the homunculi.

"Well you were late."

Once again the famous line was spoken ("Wha' chu' talkin' 'bout Führer?") before the small television star made a dash at the significantly taller Japanese-made character who simply stepped aside and let poor Gary fall off the edge of the fire escape.

Silence enveloped the group as they all reflected in horror of what happened. "You killed Gary Coleman!" Scar accused the Führer with the right hand of justice raised.  
"It sucks to be you." Ed told the unconscious form of Gary Coleman through song as the music picked up again.  
"It sucks to be you on Avenue Q." The group sang as they wove in and out of each other. "Sucks to be me on Avenue Q. Sucks to be you on Avenue Q. Sucks to be us….But not when we're together. " they paused as the key signature changed and they went for the big finish. "We're together here on Avenue Q! We live on Avenue Q! Our friends do too! 'Til our dreams come true, won't you please review!"  
"Back to work Colonel." Hawkeye sang to Roy.  
"Won't you please review!" the ensemble repeated.  
"Where did Dr. Marcoh go?" Al wondered.  
"Won't you please review!"  
"Don't kill my sacrifices, Scar." The Führer reminded the Ishbalan in an over friendly tone.

"Won't you please review!" they paused before striking a pose and finishing, "Won't you please review!"

The music stopped and the entire group froze for effect as Hughes ran in carrying a life size cut out of his daughter. "WAIT!" he cried with the cut out in tow. "I'm ready for the fic-deally."

"Its over, Hughes." Roy told him flatly as Scar slinked away.

Maes sighed and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, this is a pickle. Can we do it over again?"

His answer came from the heap of trash receptacles, garbage and the once child star. "Wha' chu talkin' 'bout, Hughes." Even with out Gary in clear view, everyone knew the lips were pursed.

Riza sighed, walking up to her boss and his best mate. Instantly Roy felt the cold steel of her favorite sidearm press into his back. "Do what you want but the Colonel has unfinished paperwork piled up on his desk." Maes looked around him to see Havoc helping out the crippled Ed and blown apart Al whereas Gary and Bradley were walking away deep in a conversation consisting of how Gary would like it to be part of an "immortal army".

Hughes' audience was dwindling fast as well as his cast members. So he propped the cut out of Elysia against a wall and a driving upbeat melody played. In a bellowing baritone, Hughes sang, "Oh just look what my daughter did today! Oh just look what my daughter did today! I know you would like to see just how cute she can be so I'll stand right here and yell 'Jee! Look what my daughter did today!"

End


End file.
